100 Facts About Candace . . . Not

On my journey through Blogland I found a blog which had listed 100 things about its owner. I clicked on the site and typed in my own name and spent most of the time laughing. The "facts" are based on Chuck Norris quotes, but I was giggling pretty hard. Some of them were inappropriate, so I won't include those. But it was funny:

Top 100 Facts About Candace Salima

1. Candace Salima beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

2. Whenever Candace Salima plays Chutes and Ladders, she treats the chutes as ladders, because she's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

5. Candace Salima can delete the Recycling Bin.

6. Candace Salima can speak braille.

7. Superman owns a pair of Candace Salima pajamas.

9. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Candace Salima.

10. Candace Salima and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

11. Candace Salima is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.

13. Candace Salima was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

14. When Candace Salima deletes files from her computer, she doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. She sends them to hell.

17. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Candace Salima says its beef, then it's beef.

18. Candace Salima doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

20. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Candace Salima can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck she wants.

21. Candace Salima died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell her.

22. Candace Salima is the only one who can "try this at home."

23. Candace Salima is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

24. The word "gay" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "He who has not yet been introduced to Candace Salima."

25. On a high school math test, Candace Salima put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Candace Salima solves all her problems with Violence. (My critique group will get a kick out of this one, no pun intended.)

26. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Candace Salima's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

27. Candace Salima sleeps with a night light. Not because Candace Salima is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Candace Salima

28. Candace Salima was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

31. Candace Salima's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Candace Salima.

32. Candace Salima can predict the shuffle on her iPod.

33. Candace Salima destroyed the periodic table, saying Candace Salima only recognizes the element of surprise.

34. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Candace Salima punched herself in the face.

37. Candace Salima owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped her win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite her holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Candace Salima counted to infinity - twice.

39. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Candace Salima's house one Christmas.

50. Candace Salima is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

51. Candace Salima is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

52. Candace Salima was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

53. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Candace Salima and forgot to pay her back.

54. Candace Salima was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

55. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Candace Salima wins.

56. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Candace Salima was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

57. When Candace Salima goes to donate blood, she declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

58. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Candace Salima.

60. Candace Salima is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.

64. When Candace Salima enters a room, she doesn't turn the lights on, she turns the dark off.

65. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Candace Salima is going to walk.

66. Candace Salima doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Candace Salima.

67. The only time Candace Salima was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.

68. Candace Salima does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Candace Salima goes killing.

69. Once a cobra bit Candace Salima's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

70. Crop circles are Candace Salima's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.

71. Candace Salima invented black. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

72. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Candace Salima and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

73. Giraffes were created when Candace Salima uppercutted a horse.

74. Candace Salima can slam revolving doors.

76. Candace Salima's dog is trained to pick up her own poop because Candace Salima will not take crap from anyone.

79. When Candace Salima gets pulled over she lets the cop off with a warning.

80. Getting murdered by Candace Salima counts as a natural cause of death.

81. If Candace Salima wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.

84. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Candace Salima could use to kill you, including the room itself.

86. Candace Salima always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

87. Candace Salima can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

88. Candace Salima does not sleep. She waits.

89. Candace Salima knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

91. Candace Salima once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give her a speeding ticket, however Candace Salima still pleads her innocence to this day, stating that she was simply out for a morning jog.

94. Candace Salima doesn't play "hide-and-seek." She plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

97. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Candace Salima allows to live.

98. Candace Salima can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

99. Candace Salima used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind her.

100. Weeping Willows are a result of Candace Salima yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

I know, pretty violent. And I'm really not that bad, but I was laughing so hard when I was reading this I woke Alvin up. Type in your own name at 100 Facts About and see what they have you doing.