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Robert Kirby of the Salt Lake Tribune

Two years ago Robert Kirby was the keynote speaker at the LDS Storymakers Writers Conference. Alvin was fresh out of the hospital, after a six-week stint, and we spent the night holding our stomachs rolling with laughter. I love this man's sense of humor. It's biting. It's irreverent but never inappropriate, sorry, Robert.

Anyway, somebody sent me one of his latest columns and I have to share it. Head on out to the Salt Lake Tribune, liberal monsters that they are, and check Kirby's latest columns. Just scroll down until you find him. It's worth it, believe me. The man is funny! In the meantime, I had to share this one! I was laughing out loud.
Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Ward chapel. It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's also where I want to go.

Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For church, we're bound by the geography of the ward. We worship where we live. The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor is when we attend specialty wards. For example, I went to a Spanish-speaking ward in West Jordan for a while.

Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship together and support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's vineyard. There are (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards, including singles wards, college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and nudist wards. OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards" in places where Mormon RV owners congregate.

I talked it over with my friend (despite a restraining order) Ken Wallentine. We think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in our ever-changing and increasingly divided culture.

For example, there needs to be a late ward, a ward Mormons who are perpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about dragging their herd in 15 minutes late. The only problem with a late ward would be showing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the first place. Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time before it started. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We will close now by singing hymn No. 145."

Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need for maternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called student wards.

A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge" instead of the stand. High-council Sunday would be referred to as a "Klingon Sunday."

Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else. Why not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with black leather.

Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would be a lot more interesting if real personal risk were involved in disagreeing with a lesson.

There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony with your thumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards.

At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't.

Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting. Nobody's going to sleep through, "Hey! I know the church is true, you stupid #*&@s!"

A big hit would be the MLM ward, also known as a "Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on in this culture, it would be nice to have them in one place for a three-hour block.

I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we could probably hope for is a Democrat branch.
Oh come on, that was funny! I'm still laughing.
Robert Kirby of the Salt Lake Tribune Robert Kirby of the Salt Lake Tribune Reviewed by Candace Salima on Saturday, June 21, 2008 Rating: 5